Re cap

I've been ill for over 6 years now. Well in fact longer as I was suffering as a Teenager but never realised I was ill. Just thought life was real hard.
They said it would be a slow process - recovery - but I didn't know it would be this slow!
I've learnt a lot on this journey
More about my thoughts and feelings
Self care
emotions
how to live with constant pain and fatigue ( not too well)
I've been through so many emotions.
Hate
Anger
Acceptance
I've been to see many Doctors and Specialists
And now I'm here today and for the last few months have been really strugling and I think I have relapsed. Back to the beginning.
Not so bad as I have learnt all the things above, so have a better ways to cope and a more better insight into my mind and body but I honestly never thought I would be here, back bedbound for a lot of my time and pushing to get out the house daily.
It's a bit of a shock but I'm taking it quite well.
I have so much I want to do but unable to do any of it due to my illness.
I want to
Document my time - to keep records of things I have tried and what has failed and what has worked. To try and help other people not to have to go through this but I haven't been able to do this the way I would like.
I want to earn my own money so I don't have to feel guilty anymore being ill.
I want to be the crafter that I was and make the things I can but again I am unable to do this.
I would love to get out more, meet new people, learn new things but my concentration is limited to trying to stay as well as I can. I want to teach, anything. I just love teaching and talking and sharing but at the moment this all just seems too much. I want to share ways in which I cope and design things that help making coping and getting routine. I have loads saved from what I have done to show and tell. I just cant get the energy and proper time to do this.
So I'm here for now just able to share this and hope it brings me closer to finding the strength to do this more.
I have lost a lot... mainly time. All the time resting, sleeping, trying to recuperate when I could be taking the Grandchildren out and watching them play happily in a park. We do get such great quality time together and for that I am truly blessed but I want to be the young Nanna that I am in age and run around with them, taking them on adventures. Don't get me wrong, I love our time together cuddling, watching films and playing with dollies but quite often I hear myself saying "Nanna's not too well today, so we'll just to take it easy. The thing that is so upsetting is that they understand and are so happy to do whatever I can. This is so lovely but also so heartbreaking for me.
I want to go to college and learn something new but I just don't know if I am strong enough to see it through to the end and I am fed up of not being able to complete anything.
I want to finish making all my Craft projects I have started. I'd like to be able to give friends and family handmade cards that I made. I'd like to be able to walk down the street and not loose two days after words due to pain an exhaustion. I'd like to have friends around but I am not the host I used to be. On bad days I can just literally open the door and let them in. I like to make sandwiches and cakes and have indoor picnics as lunch but I am no longer able to do that. I would like to bake and have all sorts of yummy treats to give people. I would like to do something for charity but am unable to support myself.
Wow they just flowed out of me. So many things I miss out on but still stick in there working every day at trying to get better so one day. I may be able to do all this again and so I suppose what this is, is me at rock bottom and still trying to see the positive of anything!!
The positive of this being, there is only one way to go now and I have more understanding and resources I've ever had to get there. I hope I can finally start doing what is important to me and that is documenting all I can, sharing all I learn and know and living the best life I can :)

Back and positive

I'm having an awful time wondering about where to start again!!

If you've followed my Blog you may of noticed the.

                  I'm back,
                                                         Been a long time,
                              New start
and
                                      trying a routine and failing posts.


I am going through a huge life learning thing at the moment and part of this has been to give everything up and just be as ill as I feel.

                                 This is an amazing but highly scary place to be.

but in starting this early febuary, I am already in a place now where I am catching up on things I cannot and will not cancel, I am getting help and starting to feel a little in control. Although I feel quite frantic still. I am getting lots of quality me time and can see this working.
I have been in a lot of pain but I can see I so need this.

Giving me this extra time brings me to my Blog and this feeling I have about it. I feel the need to write things in a blog. I have for many years and have tried and failed to consistently keep at it. I had no idea why I had this blog need. At first it was to try an get free things, try and get reviews and just to generally show what I can do and make and if anyone liked it they could see what I was up to but as soon as I started Wendy's Crafts Blog, I knew there was more to this. This led to My life and loves and in between twinned with the need to succeed in business I started other pages and groups.
My life and loves came about from my illness I have. I knew I was ill but also knew I would be better and felt a need to document as much as I could. I have 1/2 done Blog posts galore and photo's of literally everything I have done in the last 6 Years but unfortunetly I am still here ill and have had to now come to the realization I am probably worse than I think or will believe.

This has been such a positive thought though as it has brough me to actually posting this and starting my Blog again but it an even more positive and unharming myself way.


So, I have this extra time, this Blog need is back and what with my self care learning I am not in need of it to be perfect. I am however over thinking how why and what but am on the fast track to just do it!!

Bringing me again to now

My "I'm back" post of 2017
                                                              BUT
This time; I don't know when I will return. I really want it to be daily and try to get organised and business like but as I am learning to love myself and stop worrying what others think, I have no stress. Which means I don't put pressure on myself anymore which means I'm here, I'll hopefully be back and soon if I can but if you find this interesting, want to help me on my journey. Please Subscribe, leave me a message or just a like one of my posts. Any little gesture of positivity will keep me going, make my want to post stronger and my need to get it out there quicker. All that helps me on my journey and gets me closer to being happy.
This time; I am doing it with the need to know that if anyone feels the same as I do and I find a way out or at least a way to feel happy and I share this. If I help one person get better quicker than I did then my Blog is worthwhile :D
                                                         and that I cannot deny!!

This time; I am doing it and being kinder to myself :) It is my Blog. There is no right or wrong time to post! Whether there is a day, week, month or year gap in the post. This is still my life and loves and what I want to do!!! You may actually help someone, be interesting, make money, find a new friend, connect with old friends, find true love..... or not one person will read this, will like the post, will leave a comment or connect with me but I may still be helping. I am in fact helping already. I am helping myself.

Wow.... Deep..... Rest. xx
Hope to be back soon.