Re cap

I've been ill for over 6 years now. Well in fact longer as I was suffering as a Teenager but never realised I was ill. Just thought life was real hard.
They said it would be a slow process - recovery - but I didn't know it would be this slow!
I've learnt a lot on this journey
More about my thoughts and feelings
Self care
emotions
how to live with constant pain and fatigue ( not too well)
I've been through so many emotions.
Hate
Anger
Acceptance
I've been to see many Doctors and Specialists
And now I'm here today and for the last few months have been really strugling and I think I have relapsed. Back to the beginning.
Not so bad as I have learnt all the things above, so have a better ways to cope and a more better insight into my mind and body but I honestly never thought I would be here, back bedbound for a lot of my time and pushing to get out the house daily.
It's a bit of a shock but I'm taking it quite well.
I have so much I want to do but unable to do any of it due to my illness.
I want to
Document my time - to keep records of things I have tried and what has failed and what has worked. To try and help other people not to have to go through this but I haven't been able to do this the way I would like.
I want to earn my own money so I don't have to feel guilty anymore being ill.
I want to be the crafter that I was and make the things I can but again I am unable to do this.
I would love to get out more, meet new people, learn new things but my concentration is limited to trying to stay as well as I can. I want to teach, anything. I just love teaching and talking and sharing but at the moment this all just seems too much. I want to share ways in which I cope and design things that help making coping and getting routine. I have loads saved from what I have done to show and tell. I just cant get the energy and proper time to do this.
So I'm here for now just able to share this and hope it brings me closer to finding the strength to do this more.
I have lost a lot... mainly time. All the time resting, sleeping, trying to recuperate when I could be taking the Grandchildren out and watching them play happily in a park. We do get such great quality time together and for that I am truly blessed but I want to be the young Nanna that I am in age and run around with them, taking them on adventures. Don't get me wrong, I love our time together cuddling, watching films and playing with dollies but quite often I hear myself saying "Nanna's not too well today, so we'll just to take it easy. The thing that is so upsetting is that they understand and are so happy to do whatever I can. This is so lovely but also so heartbreaking for me.
I want to go to college and learn something new but I just don't know if I am strong enough to see it through to the end and I am fed up of not being able to complete anything.
I want to finish making all my Craft projects I have started. I'd like to be able to give friends and family handmade cards that I made. I'd like to be able to walk down the street and not loose two days after words due to pain an exhaustion. I'd like to have friends around but I am not the host I used to be. On bad days I can just literally open the door and let them in. I like to make sandwiches and cakes and have indoor picnics as lunch but I am no longer able to do that. I would like to bake and have all sorts of yummy treats to give people. I would like to do something for charity but am unable to support myself.
Wow they just flowed out of me. So many things I miss out on but still stick in there working every day at trying to get better so one day. I may be able to do all this again and so I suppose what this is, is me at rock bottom and still trying to see the positive of anything!!
The positive of this being, there is only one way to go now and I have more understanding and resources I've ever had to get there. I hope I can finally start doing what is important to me and that is documenting all I can, sharing all I learn and know and living the best life I can :)