June, cake and update

 I have just found this post unpublished from back in June time. Seems a shame not to publish it as it is so hard for me to write them some times :-)
Oh wow, Been away from my Blog longer than I meant but for good reasons, not bad. For once I have not been sleeping the days away. I have been busy, super busy :-)
I stayed at my daughters for a few days looking after the Grandchildren while she went away for a few days. This was hard but very rewarding. However exhausted, tired and sore I was. Each night I was so proud of what I had achieved that day. I really enjoyed my time with my Grandchildren. Thinking that I would probably crash and burn after this. I had actually agreed to make a Cake for my Friend. So had more to push me on. I have been trying to decorate Cakes for a while now and just cannot get it. I am never fully happy with my Cakes. I can see they are good for a learner but I just cant get the finish to be better. I don't think I will ever get to a sale able standard so I make cakes for cost to friends and Family. This is the one I made this Week.

I had a bit of a nightmare as I had some Edible printed sheets made to go on but I couldn't get them peeled of the backing without crumbling. So I had to go for Figures. They work just as good but would prefer everything to be edible. I am happy with this Cake but wish I had taken more time over the Rainbow as it is very messy but good for a first try. Plus it was 1am when I started the rainbow and 2am when I got to bed last night.
So obviousy when writing this in June I was feeling good but I am now going through quite a hard time. I have done lots and lots since June as I seem to have kept the motivation to make things going but just seem so down and tired all the time. I think I am expecting too much from myself really as there have been a lot of changes.
Although I am not feeling too good, I have agreed to take on making the evening meal every night. Which is huge really when back a few Years ago I couldn't even stand the sight of most foods. I can seem to push past the fatigue and get this done and I feel very good at the end of the day knowing I have achieved this.I have been doing this for about 3 weeks now. So that is a good new routine I have made :-)
I have been quite up and down since June. Feeling guilty for not blogging, wanting to get so much done and not being able too but actually sleeping very well. I had to give up the magnesium baths because I couldn't afford the flakes and the Tablets because I couldn't get out to get more at the time. I have since had my bloods done and apparently I am not lacking in anything but really want to take my results to my specialist. Unfortunately I had to cancel my last appointment with him as was just too poorly to go out. So really need to remake an appointment to see him but things like this just seem to be too much for me at the moment. I am just happy plodding along in my own little world although I could do with more energy please.
Well that is a quick update on where I am today. I hope it is happier next time I get here. I have also started writing back on my Craft Blog here as well. So that is huge also as something I have wanted to do but just never had the motivation. So really I am doing lots.... it is just my mind thinking I am not. Probably because the Blog is more a mental thing than physical?? Not sure but really helps if you think things out and truly see what is going on..... I can't seem to last a whole day without feeling exhausted at 4pm ish and thinking of all those lost hours that I could be Crafting or Working is quite sad but I suppose what I need to focus on is what I am actually getting done between 9am and 4pm because last Year... it wasn't much.... just a lot of sleeping!!
I'll leave it there with that bit of information for me to process :-)

Did they work?

Well not sure if it is the Epsom Salts, the writing things down or the fact that I have spent most of the last three weeks resting in bed but I feel different today. My head feels clear and although I still feel tired, I feel I may be able to push on. This is a good feeling. Three years ago, even a year ago I was unable to push on. I thought I had lost my life and was going to be bedridden for ever. My Doctor has been amazing. He has really been on this journey with me learning and listening to all the information I have found out. Looking up the Medication I have heard about that helps and once checked it out has prescribed it for me to see how I get on. I am not on huge amounts of Meds but what I do take I feel really helps me and don't think I am in a place to give them up like some people are doing. I only ever take the smallest amount possible because I react quite severely to them. Like when I was first given Codeine I just used to take half a tablet and this helped. I really don''t understand people who say they are on handfuls of Tablets but they don't do anything...... Well why take them then? I hate to discuss medication really because I think it becomes a "who takes the most" quest but it is something I need to touch on as it is a huge part of my life. 
The crowning moment was when I got prescribed Pregabalin. It is quite a funny story really as my Mum also suffers with symptoms a lot like mine and has also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. She got given Gabapentin and was having a really good time on them. Meaning she was up about and active. Feeling very well. So I went to my Doctor to tell him about these tablets and see if he thought I could try them......Well as some of you know one of the other symptoms of this illness is forgetfulness and what we call Brain Fog or Fibro fog. I get a lot of this and in particular this day I had it quite bad. My Mum had wrote the name of the Tablets down for me but I forgot to take it with me and what with all the information I had gathered from online, I couldn't remember what they were called. All I could remember was it was something like pregnant. So was saying it is  pre something. The tablets I was actually asking for was nothing like Pregnant!! they were called Gabapentin. So he looked up a tablet that sounded like pre something and came up with Pregabalin. He checked it was o.k for me to take them and prescribed them for me. Once I got in the car and checked my note. I was so disappointed with myself as I had the wrong Tablets. I went home and googled the ones I had and they were actually so similar to the ones I wanted it was uncanny. I thought about them for a few days before I took them but then decided to give them a go and well they are my life changers. They started working straight away. I felt quite high on just one Tablet but happy and so, so chatty it was quite funny and so lovely to feel like this. They soon settled down and I have been able to get out of Bed every day and get small things done each day. I am like a completely different person. At the beginning I was very anxious that I had this new life and it could be taken away so quickly if the Tablets stopped working but after a few Weeks I got used to being able to get up each day and the anxiety wore off. It wasn't a normal life still but such a difference. I was actually able to get things done. I even managed to finish tiling the Kitchen Wall!!
That is one really sad thing about this illness. I told my Specialist the other day about tiling the Wall and he was speechless, I think because I knew how to do it rather than the fatigue thing!! I was always so able to do things. I could do anything that was needed or I would give it a bloody good try before I asked anyone to help me and now I have become ill. Sometimes I cant even get in the bath.... It is just so sad and when at my lowest this is where I go.... to remembering how able I was. How can you not get sad and depressed? Tears are coming now just writing this and I can never see this feeling going. How can you get over that?? 
Anyway getting on to a  brighter note;

Small Rainbow Tuxedo Bow's for Isabella.
A bow for every outfit :-)

Larger Twisted boutique Bow for my Friends Grandaughter's
Birthday

Larger Twisted Boutique bow. Needs more practice
but very happy with results. Took me all day to get it looking like this and hours watching the same youtube video over and over again but I love learning new things,

 I have been making bow's since my Granddaughter arrived and been practicing on bigger ones lately for when she get's older and also for a Friends Granddaughters. It is something I can do whilst resting. For a while I thought I would never get back into Crafting but now..... thankfully I am back and really enjoying it when I feel well enough. I am trying to do more resting activities. Learning to rest a lot if I have to do something physical. So I am learning at last but it is so hard as if I am having a good day all I want to get everything done whilst I can. 
So just to introduce you to my Facebook Craft page if you are into that sort of thing. It is here; Wendy's Crafts  I mainly make for friends and family but trying to make it look professional enough to sell if someone ever wanted to buy my items and to also look into making a bit of money with minimum energy :-)

Low energy and baths

Having a low energy day today which is the worst. Not much pain though which is a plus and don't get very often. It is just so hard to do anything when you have no energy.
I have managed to get into bed now and scoffed nearly a whole large bar of chocolate and you know what? .... It does make me feel better. It cheers me up because I get so sad with having to be like this and I am sure it really does help a little with pain and fatigue. I am trying to muster up enough energy to go run a bath and get in. To non sufferers this may sound silly but a bath is one of the highest energy suckers of all. The getting up and washing the bath out and running it is a nightmare. I then need to rest whilst it is running and then getting in is fabulous and the resting but getting out is so draining it is unreal. 
 I have recently been trying Epsom Salt Baths. If I make it to the bath tonight, this will be my third Epsom one. Still not too sure as to whether there are any benefits to adding the Salts. At the same time I started taking Magnesium Tablets as well. So the Two together should give me an extra boost of Magnesium which apparently most people with cfs and Fibro are low on. I can but try and hope for an improvement.
Just to add, I put in 500g of salt to my quite full bath. I have researched this and this is the correct amount. I also have some Magnesium Chloride flakes to add to Water to make some Magnesium Oil spray. These apparently are different to Epsom Salts, which are Magnesium Sulphate. **You learn something new every day :-) I have done my Homework and currently have 5kg of different Magnesium salts in my House.... I hope they work :-)
On the bright side, I designed a logo/Facebook profile picture for someone today and they loved it. I am trying to find away to earn some cash by low energy things I can do. I have been doing quite well lately. Just made a batch of fathers day Sweetie Bag toppers that sold quite well and now working on Bags of Sweets for teachers gifts. Also trying to sort measurements out for small and large Chocolate bar covers but the Chocolate keeps getting ate ha ha. Out of 3 large bars and 10ish Two finger Kitkats I have made this;

These are for my Granddaughters Christening but hoping they will be sellable :-)
Just took a break and maybe this writing things down really works as gone and washed the Bath out and my bath is currently running. I am also a whole large bar of Chocolate down now as it has all been finished :-)
Well I'm hoping my ramblings can maybe help a few people on their road with this illness or even someone who doesn't have this to understand just how hard it is living with it. Maybe it will even help myself with moving onwards and upwards. 
Going for a long Epsom Salt bath now :-)

Where it all started :-)

About me :-)
I am a 41 Year old Granny :-)
I had my Beautiful and amazing Daughter when I was 17. She is undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me :-)
She is now 23 and given me the most adorable little Grandson, Jackson he is 2 and a Granddaughter, Isabella she is 10 Months.

My Mum and Dad are the most amazing Parents you could ever ask for and my Brother is Cool, everything he does seems to do well and he has been there to help me try to succeed like him but alas I am not to be successful in Business. (I will however keep trying because I do enjoy being self Employed and Self Sufficient)
It kind of starts here;
I went to School (didn't like it) 
Left School and started training to be a Hairdresser. 
Had my Baby at 17 with my wonderful Boyfriend, We split up, I became a Single Parent.
I have been this for 23 Years now and although I feel I have done a bloody good job with my daughter I always had the feeling from a Teenager that life was so hard but thought that it was the same for everyone. I found it a constant struggle to get normal everyday things done in a day. Even at the age of 13 I couldn't manage a whole school day. I used to have to put my head down on my desk in class and relax, I never slept in school just needed rest but normally once I got home I did. I got teased for having naps and so felt that I was lazy. I always felt I was overweight and lazy. 
Being a single parent is hard in so many ways the worst for me, apart from the fatigue was Money. I think being a mother from such a young age I never grasped the concept of finance. Being a Hairdresser, I managed to keep a few shifts in the Salon and having such a close Family I never felt bad by leaving my daughter to do this. Although I didn't leave her until she was about 5!! I was a very over protective parent ha ha
I had lots Jobs. I could never find one I felt satisfied with. I always got let down and felt used. I would go out of my way to do things for my colleagues and managers and then when I needed something there was never any help. I realise now I was expecting too much and taking things too personally. I was putting too much effort into my Job but to me it wasn't just a job it was someones business and I wanted to do the best I could to help them succeed. This leads me to a fantastic part of my life. Six Years ago I became self Employed. 
My daughter had been brought up to the best of my ability and left Home with an amazing job and a Lovely Boyfriend. They had set up a wonderful and comfy Home of their own. My job was pretty much done here although I will always be there and go running if she needs anything. Soooo,  I was able with the help of my parents and my Brother to set up my very own Cafe. I was super confident, Super  independent and super Happy or so I thought. My Business after 3 Years had to close. I couldn't make it work financially, I was physically and mentally exhausted but couldn't see it and when it closed I had a break down. Now I hate that word as everyone has their own thoughts as to what a break down is and in my eyes I am not really sure what it is. Mine was a sleep fest. I slept for Months and my life became .........Blank. The only way I can describe it and I have only just been able to do that with having a lot of help analysing the situation, is it was just like being encased in a warm comfy see through protective ball, Travelling through life in a world of my own. Everything seeming fine and then all of a sudden the ball cracked open and I was left stranded in a Hot barren Desert island with no one or anything around in a scary, complete nothingness. I had support from my Family and a Few very good friends that I know would do anything to help me but it still felt like this and it was weird!!
I have been here in this Dessert for over Three Years now but things are slowly growing it seems, It has taken a long time and a huge Journey but sometimes it does feel like a world I could live in again and something I want to talk about.
I have been through a lot...I have had help from a Counsellor, tried CBT therapy, Tried a Pain Management Course and various People to help me. A lot of these I still haven't been able to complete due to still being too poorly. It has been a long journey  but I am slowly finding out who I am and how to live with what I have and I want to talk about this, Write it down. Maybe remember it? I'm not too sure but I do know if I could help just one person going through this or similar that would be cool.
I suffer with a lot. The Three main biggies are;
Chronic Fatigue
Chronic Pain
Cluster Migraines 
These along with lots of other problem are grouped together and called Fibromyalgia. I have come to hate this word Fibromyalgia because in the past it was known to be a diagnosis the Doctors and Specialists gave to patients that they didn't know what they had. Now a days though, I believe it really has a standing of it's own and is being more understood. I however still hate the word!! 
The problem with Fibro is that there are so many symptoms to it and not everyone has all these symptoms. So it is very hard to diagnose and understand. For instance  one of the biggest symptoms for me apart from what I have already listed above is sore Feet. Now this even makes me laugh when I say it, So I don't expect anyone to take me seriously when telling them. Hence why I rarely ever discuss it but my Feet are always so painful. From being Teenager up to the present day I have had terribly sore feet. I used to think it was because I did Hairdressing. Some days for a Hairdresser are 12 hours long and being on your Feet most of that, You can understand having sore feet but no one ever used to mention theirs. Mine would be burning and feel like they itched but couldn't be scratched. Later on in life I noticed that I still had sore feet even when not doing long hours but then of Course the Cafe opened and again I was working long hours on my Feet and suffering again. It was only since having my break down and finding out about Fibro that I found this was a symptom and everything started making sense. Unfortunately being single means I have noone to rub my feet :-( I have always been so independent and never needed a man in my life that it is only now I am understanding that there are some positives to having a partner. 
I can't exactly remember how I found out about Fibro but I do remember when I fist read about it, I thought the article was talking about me. It is just like all your life your not quite sure what is going on. I used to say to myself, There has got to be something wrong with me. Life cannot be this hard. Then you just think it is and get on with it. Then one day. You find out it isn't meant to be and that you really have been ill for the past 20 odd years. You are not lazy. You are just poorly. You then go through another whole host of horrible, frightening emotions but that is something for another post. This one was just supposed to be a bit of an introduction to who I am and what I have been through. There is no way in one post I can capture the despair, pain or journey I have been on but that is what I am hoping to do in the long run. If only just for me to remember things and be able to see how things are changing and what I am learning but if I can inspire or help anyone else going through similar and you would like to join me on my Blog Journey. Then that also would be super cool :-)