Saturday 14 June 2014

Where it all started :-)

About me :-)
I am a 41 Year old Granny :-)
I had my Beautiful and amazing Daughter when I was 17. She is undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me :-)
She is now 23 and given me the most adorable little Grandson, Jackson he is 2 and a Granddaughter, Isabella she is 10 Months.

My Mum and Dad are the most amazing Parents you could ever ask for and my Brother is Cool, everything he does seems to do well and he has been there to help me try to succeed like him but alas I am not to be successful in Business. (I will however keep trying because I do enjoy being self Employed and Self Sufficient)
It kind of starts here;
I went to School (didn't like it) 
Left School and started training to be a Hairdresser. 
Had my Baby at 17 with my wonderful Boyfriend, We split up, I became a Single Parent.
I have been this for 23 Years now and although I feel I have done a bloody good job with my daughter I always had the feeling from a Teenager that life was so hard but thought that it was the same for everyone. I found it a constant struggle to get normal everyday things done in a day. Even at the age of 13 I couldn't manage a whole school day. I used to have to put my head down on my desk in class and relax, I never slept in school just needed rest but normally once I got home I did. I got teased for having naps and so felt that I was lazy. I always felt I was overweight and lazy. 
Being a single parent is hard in so many ways the worst for me, apart from the fatigue was Money. I think being a mother from such a young age I never grasped the concept of finance. Being a Hairdresser, I managed to keep a few shifts in the Salon and having such a close Family I never felt bad by leaving my daughter to do this. Although I didn't leave her until she was about 5!! I was a very over protective parent ha ha
I had lots Jobs. I could never find one I felt satisfied with. I always got let down and felt used. I would go out of my way to do things for my colleagues and managers and then when I needed something there was never any help. I realise now I was expecting too much and taking things too personally. I was putting too much effort into my Job but to me it wasn't just a job it was someones business and I wanted to do the best I could to help them succeed. This leads me to a fantastic part of my life. Six Years ago I became self Employed. 
My daughter had been brought up to the best of my ability and left Home with an amazing job and a Lovely Boyfriend. They had set up a wonderful and comfy Home of their own. My job was pretty much done here although I will always be there and go running if she needs anything. Soooo,  I was able with the help of my parents and my Brother to set up my very own Cafe. I was super confident, Super  independent and super Happy or so I thought. My Business after 3 Years had to close. I couldn't make it work financially, I was physically and mentally exhausted but couldn't see it and when it closed I had a break down. Now I hate that word as everyone has their own thoughts as to what a break down is and in my eyes I am not really sure what it is. Mine was a sleep fest. I slept for Months and my life became .........Blank. The only way I can describe it and I have only just been able to do that with having a lot of help analysing the situation, is it was just like being encased in a warm comfy see through protective ball, Travelling through life in a world of my own. Everything seeming fine and then all of a sudden the ball cracked open and I was left stranded in a Hot barren Desert island with no one or anything around in a scary, complete nothingness. I had support from my Family and a Few very good friends that I know would do anything to help me but it still felt like this and it was weird!!
I have been here in this Dessert for over Three Years now but things are slowly growing it seems, It has taken a long time and a huge Journey but sometimes it does feel like a world I could live in again and something I want to talk about.
I have been through a lot...I have had help from a Counsellor, tried CBT therapy, Tried a Pain Management Course and various People to help me. A lot of these I still haven't been able to complete due to still being too poorly. It has been a long journey  but I am slowly finding out who I am and how to live with what I have and I want to talk about this, Write it down. Maybe remember it? I'm not too sure but I do know if I could help just one person going through this or similar that would be cool.
I suffer with a lot. The Three main biggies are;
Chronic Fatigue
Chronic Pain
Cluster Migraines 
These along with lots of other problem are grouped together and called Fibromyalgia. I have come to hate this word Fibromyalgia because in the past it was known to be a diagnosis the Doctors and Specialists gave to patients that they didn't know what they had. Now a days though, I believe it really has a standing of it's own and is being more understood. I however still hate the word!! 
The problem with Fibro is that there are so many symptoms to it and not everyone has all these symptoms. So it is very hard to diagnose and understand. For instance  one of the biggest symptoms for me apart from what I have already listed above is sore Feet. Now this even makes me laugh when I say it, So I don't expect anyone to take me seriously when telling them. Hence why I rarely ever discuss it but my Feet are always so painful. From being Teenager up to the present day I have had terribly sore feet. I used to think it was because I did Hairdressing. Some days for a Hairdresser are 12 hours long and being on your Feet most of that, You can understand having sore feet but no one ever used to mention theirs. Mine would be burning and feel like they itched but couldn't be scratched. Later on in life I noticed that I still had sore feet even when not doing long hours but then of Course the Cafe opened and again I was working long hours on my Feet and suffering again. It was only since having my break down and finding out about Fibro that I found this was a symptom and everything started making sense. Unfortunately being single means I have noone to rub my feet :-( I have always been so independent and never needed a man in my life that it is only now I am understanding that there are some positives to having a partner. 
I can't exactly remember how I found out about Fibro but I do remember when I fist read about it, I thought the article was talking about me. It is just like all your life your not quite sure what is going on. I used to say to myself, There has got to be something wrong with me. Life cannot be this hard. Then you just think it is and get on with it. Then one day. You find out it isn't meant to be and that you really have been ill for the past 20 odd years. You are not lazy. You are just poorly. You then go through another whole host of horrible, frightening emotions but that is something for another post. This one was just supposed to be a bit of an introduction to who I am and what I have been through. There is no way in one post I can capture the despair, pain or journey I have been on but that is what I am hoping to do in the long run. If only just for me to remember things and be able to see how things are changing and what I am learning but if I can inspire or help anyone else going through similar and you would like to join me on my Blog Journey. Then that also would be super cool :-)


  1. I love my granny because she is just like you, jolly and loving. She loves my brother even the he is an in a very low company. She has unconditional love for all of us.

  2. I understand your feelings and I can advise you to look at similar materials on the site payforessay because there you can find many like-minded people.